As I began to read through “The Doer of our Deeds,” I was immediately impressed by how readily I could agree with what was being taught. I use to think of self-esteem as something that goes up and down due to the amount of fun I have, the number of friends I have or the level of success I am having in my current interests. These can definitely be contributing factors in the way that we see ourselves, but we should not let them completely dictate what we think of ourselves. As I have gotten older, I have noticed that the times when my “self-esteem I the lowest is when I have forgotten or neglected to do the little things right. When scripture study, night and morning prayer, and other basic principles of the gospel go by the wayside, thoughts of worthlessness and failure can creep into my mind. I could then relate when I read that the feelings of doubt come because we are separated from Christ, because sin is the cause of spiritual death, which is separation from Heaven. When we sin, we cause our own self esteem to drop.
As I read further into the text I started to realize how my ideas of self esteem were flawed. The fact that my view of myself went up and down with my carnal achievements was a display of unrighteous pride. How many times to I judge myself based on the number of friends I have or the level of skill I have in playing sports. These worthless accomplishments have little to do with the important matters of my standing with the Savior, and to base my success off of them instead of my spiritual well-being was putting myself above the Lord and His promises. To think highly of ourselves is the opposite of selflessness. I think of the times when I have been in a slump and my self esteem is low, and how in those times I am fully focused on myself; how do did I get into this situation? How can I make myself better? While reading the talk, I realized that my feelings of pain that I feel in these times is brought on because I have low self esteem, and focusing on improving it will make me happy. I now think that it is the opposite, that I am unhappy because I had been focusing on my self esteem, trying to increase my self-esteem through increased popularity, more athletic ability, and other carnal and pointless achievements.
The idea put forth in this talk seemed to me to be one that is understood more or less by most faithful members of the church; give of yourself to the benefit of others. This talk, though, gave me a new insight to how to do that, and something that may be standing in my way and keeping me from more fully giving of myself. Now every time I think of self esteem, or when I feel that mine is low, I will look for opportunities to help someone out or do some act of service. This is the only real cure for feelings of insecurity brought on from the separation from God that we feel in our natural state.
“And Nothing Shall Offend Them” WriteUp – James Bell
I love reading the words of the Prophets. Reading their talks with a purpose or with direction makes the experience even better. Reading this article helped me understand more about the principle we discussed in class about controlling our emotions. The people that Elder Bednar mentioned who allowed the actions of others to affect them so much as to keep them from enjoying the benefits of the church were choosing to let their emotions control them, instead of the other way around. I have met many of these people, both in my own ward and also on my mission was able to work with some people in this category and attempt to assist them in getting over the fact that they chose embarrassment and offense over the sacrament and divine blessings. To help them see the error in their ways is never an easy task. They often hold on to their first impressions of these people and the church they belong to, and want nothing to do with any of them.
When stimulants rush into our body, and we are put into situations that could embarrass or humiliate us, we can choose one of two options; 1) we can analyze the situation, and then decide which emotion to feel, or 2) we can feel the first emotion that comes to mind, and allow that emotion to dictate the situation. The main factor in these moments of truth is the way we perceive the situation. Do we decide to let our embarrassment influence us so much that we would rather seclude ourselves from contact with that person again, and miss any benefits from being where that person is, in this case at church, or do we decide that contact with the offender is not such a big deal to hurt our social and/or spiritual growth.
This is a principle that I have worked on a lot throughout the last several years of my life. I used to worry a lot about what other people would think of me and my personality. At times, when I was younger and someone would say something hurtful about me, I would take it personally, and allow those words to control me. In recent years I have decided to act on these feelings, and not let them act on me. This has been one of the most rewarding decisions of my life. It has allowed me to be happy much more often, and now my emotional well being is dictated by me and my own actions. If I do what is right, it is much easier for me to be happy and content with my life. But if and when I do things that are not right, it is much easier to let myself slip into a demoralizing state of self pity and a sense of worthlessness.
The Measure of Our Discipleship – Write Up
Reading the talk by Brother Southwick was very interesting. It gave me new insights to the way that I view people that I interact with. All relationships I have ever had, whether simply friendly or otherwise, have been affected by the way I view that person. The talk did do a great job on explaining the way that we see other people, and how we react to them depending on how we view them. There were many good examples used in the talk and many good objects to illustrate how we use these people. I liked most the use of a bundle of grapes. This was a clear representation to me of how we can put people into groups. I do not feel that I am guilty of much racial discrimination or classification, but the way I view certain people in terms of cliques and social statuses is the way that I get many of my first impression.
Perhaps I did not fully understand, but I did not so much agree with the use of a remote and the way he described the way we view people as an interruption. There is nothing wrong with putting what you are doing on hold to spend time with other people, especially those in your family. If you do not fully put it out of your mind, and continually hope to get back to it, then you are guilty of viewing someone as a nuisance. This, I feel, fits into the category described by the can of mosquito spray. There is no wrong in a desire to continue what you were doing before a chance to interact presented itself. Whether he paused the news broadcast or turned off the television will make no difference as long as he was giving his full attention to his son.
One object I could think of to use to describe another way that we view people is a screwdriver, hammer, or some kind of tool used for a specific purpose. I have been most guilty of this when I was in high school, and at times, I viewed my parents as a tool. When I needed money, a ride somewhere help with my homework, I often took advantage of their willingness to help me and used them as a tool to accomplish my specific need or want of the moment. This is also true at time when we are working at a job. In a busy situation, it is very easy to ask someone to help you accomplish a task, and at times it becomes more than a request, although it may be cleverly disguised as one. At these busy moments we see other people as means to accomplishing the task we have on our hands, without so much as a thank you or any sign of appreciation afterwards. These situations can shape our perspective on people if we let them. We must attempt to recognize these situations so we can have a chance at correcting our actions before they shape our concept of the people around us to a point from which we cannot return.
The Tongue of Angels – Write Up
I remember when I first heard this talk given by Elder Holland in Conference. I was on my mission, and though I was in a time in my life when my language could have been deemed at a lower level of vulgarity than a majority of the world, I found a lot of use for it as I continued my personal studies. Obviously I was not swearing or using vulgar or demeaning language. The language we used was hoped to bring the Spirit that we as missionaries so desperately needed to help people come unto Christ. But as I thought of the words Elder Holland spoke, I realized he was not speaking of swearing or crude and vulgar words. These are, of course, included in his council, but he focused more on the smaller types of verbal abuse, the kind that is subtle and corrosive, slowly bringing down those that we love and communicate most often. It is the difference between a mother saying “thank you” for cleaning a bedroom or focusing on the toys that were missed under the bed. Verbal abuse can also take an absent form. An example of this could be never saying things that are polite or kind when they are warranted. Negligence is a part of verbal abuse.
Since I have been home from my mission, I have found it harder to keep my language positive. It is definitely true that those you spend time with can influence your attitude and behavior. I worked a night job over a summer and the people I worked with were not choosey with their language. They did not seem to mind what they said or the manner in which they said it. I found myself becoming more and more abrasive with my speech and shorter in my responses to others. When I was upset or frustrated with my job, and if I snapped at a co worker or a boss, his attitude changed and therefore my attitude changed. Though the tongue is small, it dictated the mood of an entire night. If used peacefully, the night generally went by fast and the work went well. If the tongue was used negatively, people would get cranky and the work load would seem larger than it should be. The words Elder Holland quoted t the tongue and the words we speak making a difference in the feelings we experience and the course of our lives in general. It is imperative that we (and I) constantly monitor our language and attempt to make our language more Christ-like, making ourselves more “perfect” in the sight of God.
Personal Listening Challenge
When the challenge was given to be a better listener and pick somebody that I could listen to better for a whole week, my attention was turned to my roommate. He has been going through some really hard times as of late due to a bad break-up with his (now ex-)girlfriend. In my mind, it had been 2 months since the break-up and it was high time he got over it. I had a break-up around the same time period, and I thought that if I could get over it as well as I had, he should be able to do the same. As I learned in class about the power that a good listener can have to a friend, an acquaintance or even a stranger, I decided I hadn’t listened enough. I was always quick to give advice that I had become an “expert” on because of my break-up going smoothly and his so rough. I realized I needed to listen to his side of the story and how he was feeling about the whole situation instead of thinking of how to solve his every problem. This is how I approached this assignment.
As I applied my new understandings about listening into our conversations, I found out that he was mad about the way his ex had handled the situation, he felt used and unappreciated, which I had previously thought was irrational and childish. As I actively listened to his side of the story, I realized he had good reason to feel the way he did. I was more of an outlet then a solution. The truth is that no one could fix his problems but himself. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make him feel any better about the subject, and my “advice” about how easy it was for me could not have helped in any way, and I now see that it probably made it harder for him, seeing how smoothly my break-up went, to understand why his was so hard to deal with.
Now that the situation is all but resolved and I get the wonderful experience of using my perfect hindsight, I realize that listening is what made the difference. I was determined to “make” him get over the hard times he was having and return him to his natural self. My approach was to tell him that he shouldn’t worry abou the little things that were bothering him and simply “get over her.” This did not work at all. The only thing that worked was listening to him problems and feelings. When this was done and his true position came out, the rest took care of itself, and he was able to resolve the conflicts, both the one in his head and the one with his former girlfriend. Listening is what made the difference.
“A True Story” Write Up
This story made me think of the types of communication climates that we take for granted, and the ones that we don’t realize we don’t have. This story related a few of this type of communication. At lot of times we, or maybe just me, take for granted the great blessing and help it can be to have someone to talk to, ask questions, or seek advice. It may be something small, which is probably why we don’t notice it, but having a roommate, a teacher, or friend to ask simple, maybe even pointless questions to can relieve us of a lot of stress. I remember when I returned home from my mission there were times that I wanted someone to communicate with. On the mission, you are literally always near someone, your companion. Within a matter of minutes, sometimes even seconds, you can let your thoughts out of your mind or express your emotions. I think this is part of the inspired organization and rules of missionary companions. The stress of missionary work can at times be very overwhelming. After reading this story, it makes me realize that the communication between companions on a mission is extremely importance to the strength and effectiveness that they will achieve. This also explains why companionship inventories are such an important part of a daily planning as well.
With respect to the social exchange theory, the relationship in the story was very interesting. It made me realize that the definition of rewards is different depending on the type of the relationship. The rewards for Sally would seem unlike rewards at all. Most would be annoyed or frustrated with a child calling us while we were at work and asking us random and unimportant questions. But for Sally, these simple questions were, to her, like teaching and raising the child she never had. The risks for Sally were extremely low, the worst possible situation being that it takes longer to answer all the callers. The boy needed someone to talk to. The first call he made was for someone to cry to. He needed no more than comfort. This was the reward he gained. The risk was that the person on the other end of the line, “Information Please,” would disregard the crying child, and the child would be left comfort-less. This unconventional relationship was short and distant, but because the risk/reward in the social exchange theory worked for both of them, the relationship lasted much longer than most would.
My Conflict Rituals Write Up
Negative Example
1. One of my roommates lately has been using his leisure time to do things that are, to me, very immature.
2. He has wanted to “prank” people in our ward for a while, but his pranks are not friendly or well spirited at all. They have involved putting Vaseline on doorknobs and other childish things.
3. Once I finally told him that I thought it was childish, not in a very nice way. I just told him simply and as if it was another random topic of conversation, and didn’t give him much time to respond, but instead went into my room and did my homework. He was VERY upset, and didn’t speak to me again for 2 days.
4. Eventually, after we are both lying in bed without being tired, we talk about the situation. I tell him exactly what I think about how he has been acting, and he tells me that he feels I was being confusing by being all for pranks one day and against them the next day. After talking about it, it is over and no one brings it up again.
Positive Example
1. Same roommate had a bad breakup and has had a hard time dealing with it.
2. He feels hurt and like his devotion meant nothing to his ex. After two months, I feel it is high time he moves on, but he still seems very depressed and never happy. I start getting frustrated as he gets less and less fun to be around, and start finding other things to do and other people to spend time with.
3. We both realize that things have been different, which is easily noticeable because we grew up together and have been best friends for a long time. Nonverbally, both realize that the situation needs to be addressed.
4. We have a discussion on the matter and try to move on. I usually have to bring up the touchy situation because he generally tries to avoid talking about it.
To fix the undesirable situation, I should never had called him immature and childish. I should have made my opinion on the subject more clear to begin with instead of gunneysacking the issue.
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